I drove. I don’t even think I knew where I was going. I just needed to drive. I was alone in the car and this wonderful song from Crosby Stills Nash & Young came on the radio. It happened to be my favorite CSNY song, but it now took on new meaning. It became my new mantra.
One morning I woke up and I knew you were really gone A new day, a new way and new eyes to see the dawn Go your way, I’ll go mine, carry on
The sky is clearing and the night has gone out The sun, he come, the world to soften up Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to carry on
The fortunes of fables are able to sing the song Now witness the quickness with which we get along To sing the blues you’ve got to live the tunes and carry on
Carry on, love is coming Love is coming to us all
Where are you going now my love? Where will you be tomorrow? Will you bring me happiness? Will you bring me sorrow?
Oh, the questions of a thousand dreams What you do and what you see? Lover can you talk to me?
Girl when I was on my own, chasing you down What was it made you run? Trying your best just to get around
The questions of a thousand dreams What you do and what you see? Lover can you talk to me?
Songwriters STILLS, STEPHEN
Published by Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
I’d just dropped off the baby for her weekend with her father. The boys were also gone. I was alone. Oh how I’d longed so many times to be by myself; to just have some quiet time. Well, here it was. Be careful what you wish for, folks, because you may indeed get it. My heart felt like it was physically being crushed; like someone’s hands were wrapped around it, squeezing. I kept telling myself that I had to be strong, that I could do it. Everything would be fine. Nevermind that I still loved my husband. At this stage of my life I knew for sure that love was not enough. I’d learned that you could love someone and yet still need them away from you.
In those early days of our separation it was all I could do to try to be my own self-help guru. I saw a therapist a few times, but I couldn’t get through a session without dissolving into tears, and that just isn’t how I wanted to be. Even if it was in the office of a therapist, the last thing I wanted to be was weepy and weak. So, as I often did, I retreated inward.
I was so tired. I wasn’t sleeping well. I tried to break things down as simply as possible. I felt like crap. First on the To Do List: Try NOT to feel like crap. So I concentrated on trying to center myself. But what did this mean? I began to seriously meditate. I’d meditated before, but now it felt like my sanity depended on it. I also indulged more in sitting at coffee shops; a dog at my feet and a book in my hands. I wasn’t having to text someone and tell them where I was and what time to expect me home, and I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about that.